


My heart’s made of wick and you put the fire out of it

by Tomlinsontoes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Fluff, M/M, insecure!louis, over dramatic, so so so very dramatic, vulnerable!louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 22:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomlinsontoes/pseuds/Tomlinsontoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the Teen Awards and after party. Louis isn’t happy and Harry doesn’t notice until it might be too late. Louis didn’t think anyone could ever come between the two of them until now. If you’re like me and Louis being sad rips you apart inside, you’ll either love this or hate it. For added stabs to your heart listen to Like We Used To by A rocket to The Moon  (Louis’s POV) and Before The Worst by The Script (Harry’s POV) while reading. Title from (my favorite song) Automatic Loveletter’s Black Ink Revenge. Listen to this too while reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My heart’s made of wick and you put the fire out of it

They didn’t talk at the after party, in fact Louis stayed as far away as possible from Harry, downing drink after drink to quiet that voice in the back of his head. And when the voice got louder he kept drinking to forget why he was drinking so much in the first place.

They didn’t talk in the car ride home. Harry tried putting his arm around Louis but he plucked Harry’s arm off of him and scooted closer to the door continuing to stare out the window. 

Louis couldn’t get out of the car fast enough, well it was more of a stumble, and Harry was hot on his heels.  When they entered Harry slammed the door behind them, hoping to elicit something from Louis but he just went straight for the stairs in a hurried pace.

“Lou stop!” Harry shouted a little louder than intended.

  
“Louis, come back here right now, what the fuck is going on?” Harry now pleaded, looking defeated from the bottom of the staircase. He heard a door shut and the click of the lock.

Louis never stays in that room, ever, him and Harry have been sharing a room for over a year, Louis’s old room is now the guest room, and incidentally now Louis’s safe haven.

Harry sighs and runs his fingers through his hair cursing to himself, taking the stairs two steps at a time.

He tries Louis’s door even though he knows it’s locked.

“Louis, please let me in.” Harry pleads.

_Silence._

“Baby please, what is wrong, what did I do?” Harry’s eyes now swelling up, his green eyes glassing over with tears.

_Silence._

He slides down the door his head making a thud sound as it meets the wood. Putting his head between his knees he lets the tears trickle out, dropping to the hard wood floors with a splash.

“I’m not leaving this spot until you talk to me Louis.”

And if he listens close enough he can hear the faint sound of choked sobs and gasps for air coming from the room behind him.

This kills Harry, absolutely tears him up inside knowing he’s the reason the love of his life is bawling his eyes out, they never get into fights, ever and he can’t comfort him, he can’t hold him and say everything is going to be alright, because he doesn’t know what’s wrong, he doesn't know if everything will be alright, he doesn’t know if Louis even wants Harry near him. This causes Harry to lose it and he starts crying harder than before, audible whimpers escape his throat.

“What the fuck did I do, god dammit, what-did-I-do?” And it’s not so much a question to Louis as it is one to his own self.

He thinks back to the day they just had, they were fine during the award show, better than fine they were attached at the hip, smiling and laughing, flirting more than usual, Louis even snuck Harry a quick kiss before they went to perform.

He thinks harder.

Then there was the after party, at some swanky hotel Radio 1 bought out for the night. The boys arrived together, did tons of promo photo shoots, Harry and Louis still attached to one another, and then they were finally able to enjoy the night and snuck off together. Harry remembers grabbing a drink with Louis clinking them to good health, three awards and great sex and gives the older lad a sloppy kiss that turned into a heated make out session in a deserted hallway.

Everything seemed fine that night.

Once they made their way back to the party, Harry remembers Nick, already three sheets to the wind, had walked over to where they were standing and started taunting Harry about some random inside joke; Harry cackling and flailing louder than usual (thanks to an open bar), spills the rest of his drink on the floor. Nick suggested they go get a refill, Harry agreed and started walking; not even noticing Louis wasn’t following him. In fact Louis was already on the other side of the room guzzling his fourth, or was it fifth drink of the night.

Harry is brought back to present time as he feels something be pushed against his bum. He looks down at the circular object coming into focus and realizes it’s the ring they had bought each other in France. He picks it up, carefully moving it around his fingers examining it, almost to make sure it’s really what he thinks it is. He begins to cry even harder, staring at the etching on the inside “ _Forever Mine”_ pulling the ring up to his lips, planting a kiss on it, and sliding it onto his shirt pocket. Harry doesn’t know how much time has passed, could have been minutes or hours, but he refuses to move, his body sore from his position, cheeks flushes and stained with tears, head buzzing.

 

He almost misses it but hears the click of the lock and feels his body falling over as the door gives way and Louis moving past him. He jumps to his feet and turns around to see Louis back on the bed his face buried in the pillows.

“C-can I come in Lou?” Harry chokes out, his throat dry from crying.

 _Silence_.

He proceeds to walk in taking in the scenery around him. Louis’s shoes are thrown in a corner with his jacket, belt and is that a flask? A picture of the two of them lay smashed on the ground, glass littering the floor. He picks it up trying not to cut himself and pulls the photo out of the frame. It was the first picture they ever took together from the X Factor, Harry had no idea Louis had framed it. He places it back on the dresser and moves closer to the bed.

Louis’s iPad laid on the ground the screen bright and he can’t quite make out what Louis was looking at so he picks it up and begins to read.

_“Did you guys see those new pics of Gryles, adorable, cutest couple ever right?”_

_“The S.S. Larry has officially sunk! Louis needs to sink with it!”_

_“Louis who? Harry completely ignored him the entire night and only talked to Nick, omg love them!”_

Harry shook his head and kept scrolling finally eyeing the pictures they’re talking about. Harry’s got his arm wrapped around Nick his head nuzzled into his neck, and he may or may not be pecking the skin, both with a drink in their hand, Nick laughing hysterically. Another shows the two sitting; Nick’s arm around Harry’s waist and Harry has his hand on Nick’s thigh.

_“Guys there’s not one picture of Harry with Louis, they are so done, I told you he loves Nick.”_

Harry’s seen enough and plops the iPad back down where it was. Thinking back he does sort of remember that he didn’t see much of Louis tonight and really had no idea where he had been the entire time but figured he was chatting up other friends like he usually does.

He sits down next to Louis on the bed stroking the older boy’s back.

“Lou, babe, are you awake, can we talk please.” Harry begs.

Louis realizes he has two choices here; he can continue to ignore Harry as he had done to him that night or turn around. But the thing about Louis was that he loved pain, the exquisite feeling of his heart sinking to his stomach. A part of him enjoyed being hurt and not resolving conflict.

Seeing no response from Louis, Harry begins to climb off the bed to make his way over to their room to pack some things and leave for the night when he feels a slight resistance on his left wrist. He looks down and sees Louis’s hand wrapped around his.

Harry almost misses the “please don’t leave me,” that whispers out of Louis’s lips. He looks down to meet Louis’s hooded eyes, bloodshot and swollen, begging for love. Tears still stain Louis’s cheeks, his normally beautiful flawless plump lips are now chapped and bloodied quivering at him; waiting.

“I-I would never leave you Lou, oh come here.”

Before Harry can comfort his boyfriend Louis blurts out “But you did” and that makes Harry’s heart sink to the floor.

“No, no I didn’t love, I’m right here.”

“You left me t-tonight, all night and you’re going to leave…” Louis’s hoarse voice trails off as he turns back away from Harry.

“Baby what are you talking about I didn’t leave you, LOOK AT ME LOUIS!” the last words come screaming out of Harry.

Louis rolls over to face Harry, looking fragile and young, vulnerable. New tears trickle down his face, his blue eyes no longer bright and happy but grey and hurt, painful, scared.

“Please, for the last time Louis explain to me what I did or, or I will leave! I can’t take you being hurt, I can’t see you like this knowing I caused it but not knowing how to make it right. Lou please talk to me, I’m begging you. Whatever I did I am so sorry, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt the person I love. Fuck-I love you Louis, more than anything, I would never intentionally hurt you baby, you know that. You are my everything, I can’t be happy if you’re upset, god what did I do tonight to make you like this? Was it because of the shit on the Internet, don’t listen to them come on you never do, they don’t know anything Louis. You never get this depressed over this shit. Plea-“

“it was you Harry, only you not the fucking Internet.”

“what di-“

“Do you want me to talk cause I don’t have to.”

“No please, Louis I’m sorry.” Harry settles back in the bed next to Louis.

Louis sits up resting his head against the headboard, tilting his head in Harry’s direction, trying to choke back tears, but fails. Lips quivering, his whole body shaking as he begins to speak.

“You completely ignored me for Nick tonight, _again_. This is the sixth time ya know, I’ve been keeping track. The minute he walks over I’m fucking invisible, you totally forget you even have a boyfriend when he’s around you. I am nothing to you when he’s around, nothing. How long did it take you to realize I wasn’t standing with you two anymore, oh wait, you didn’t notice did you?  (Harry’s eyes shoot down to the duvet, full of guilt.) Do you think I find it funny when all you talk about are your little private jokes, do you think I enjoy seeing my boyfriend cuddle up to some other guy, and rumors spreading that he kissed this guy, a guy you know I don’t like, a guy you know who has had a crush on you for what almost two years. Do you even realize how much I drank tonight; do you know why I was drinking myself into oblivion Harry? So the sight of you two flirting became blurred, so my mind would stop racing with the idea that you’re cheating on me. So I didn’t have to see his arm around your waist, your lips in his neck, so I didn’t have to hear you laughing that laugh that I thought was only reserved for me Harry. So I didn’t have to hear you call him what I thought were _my_ nicknames, darling, or love, or what was that over one, sweetcheeks. Did you notice Zayn having to pry me from the bar, threatening the bartender to not give me any more, bringing me over to where him and Perrie were sitting? Did you see Liam fighting with security to remove all photographers and make them confiscate their cameras? Did you notice me, a complete wreck sobbing to them, cursing your name. No you didn’t because you were too fucking busy blowing Nick I assume…”

“Lou, I-I..”

“Shut up! I’m not finished.” Louis yells at Harry.

“I bet you also didn’t see me climbing to the roof, I sat up there for awhile until Zayn finally figured out where I had gone when he didn’t find me in the bathroom where I said I was. I wasn’t sitting up there for the oxygen Harry, one more drink and I probably would have done it. Then you would have been free to be with Nick, I didn’t want to hold you back, I _don’t_ want to hold you back. I know he makes you happy in ways I can’t, I know you can be yourself around him, you don’t have to pretend like you do with me. It’s okay, I realize that, I’ve come to terms with it. You can finally have a public boyfriend, not one you have to hide. I know it’s what you want, why else would you spend all your free time with him, instead of me.Why else during the night, the one time we can be ourselves, you’re out with him instead, I get it Harry I do. It hurts but I know pain, I know rejection, this isn’t anything new."

Louis wipes his eyes and coughs before continuing,

"I thought you were just being nice for awhile, you love the attention from him, and I was okay with that, flaunting my boyfriend, making him jealous that you were mine and not his. But it wasn’t until last night that I understood you were never just mine that you feel the same way about him as he does for you. Everyone can see it, you’re not a good actor, never have been. I’ve been kidding myself really, thinking _the_ Harry Styles, the perfect, gorgeous Harry Styles would forever be mine. How silly of me to think someone like you would ever love someone like me forever. You have guys and girls falling over you, why would I be the lucky one to keep you. How selfish of me. I don’t deserve you Harry, I never have, and I was hoping you’d never realize that yourself. But you finally did and now it’s too late. I thought we had something unbreakable, true love, fate, turns out it’s all bullshit, this isn’t a fucking movie."

Louis' not quite sure he should continue, he's barely able to speak from crying so hard and biting his lip, he sees Harry crying harder than he ever has and he's doing that thing he does when he digs his nails deep into his own skin, a subtle way to punish himself, Louis assumes.

"Do you think of him when we’re fucking, when I have three fingers in you, making you squirm and moan, you wish they were his instead right. Would you rather have him break you open, make you come undone, hit that spot that makes you lose it, pull your hair in the right way and bite that one spot under your left ear, to make your vision go blurry and heart speed up, the spot that made you come in seconds a year ago. How many times have you wanted to shout out his name instead of mine, I can’t imagine what it took to hold that back. That’s why you close your eyes so much now isn’t it.  Imaging it’s him on top of you instead of me. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner; I wouldn’t be putting you through this misery with me.”

Louis has never said any of that out loud and now that he has after bottling it up for so long his body begins to break. He is now doubled over, weeping speaking incoherently, his whole body is convulsing and he’s started to dry heave, tears are mixing with spit, and blood from his lips his hands trembling as they reach up his face into his hair. His chest is aching and he’s either having an heart attack or panic attack but whatever it is it makes his head go fuzzy, the room spins out of control, vision going blank. He is a wreck; he is a sinking ship, hopeless.

Harry isn’t quite sure what to do, he is speechless, he’s watching the love of his life spiral out of control right in front of him and he’s frozen, he wants to move, he wants to do something, he _needs_ to do something but his body isn’t responding to what his brain is telling it. _Fuckingdosomethingharry_ he says to himself, so he does the only thing he knows how and starts to sing to Louis.

 _We were thinking we would never be apart_  
with your name tattooed across my heart  
who would have thought it would end up like this?  
where everything we talked about is gone  
and the only chance we have of moving on

_was trying to take it back before it all went wrong_

Louis feels something inside him start to bring him back; he recognizes the soft, broken voice he hears, his heart slowing down, his vision coming back into focus…

 _If the clouds don’t clear_  
then well rise above it, well rise above it  
heavens gate is so near  
come walk with me through  
just like we use to, just like we use to

Harry can barely get out the rest of the song before he starts to break down and cry, curling himself in a ball at the edge of the bed. _No, you need to be strong, help Louis_ the voice inside his head screams. Still crying he lifts himself up and crawls over to wherr Louis is bent over the side of the bed.

“L-Lou-Lou, baby, please answer me…let me know you hear me.”

_Silence._

“Louis please, Boo can you hear me, baby please” Harry is now shaking Louis as tears begin flowing down his cheeks.

“Ha-Harry…” Harry bolts up from his position.

“Louis holyfuckingshit babe oh my god you scared the hell out of me.”

“You’re st-still here you didn’t leave I don’t know what just happened.”

“I-I think you blacked out, or had a panic attack or something, Fuck I’d never leave you, you know that, I’ve been here the whole time. I didn’t know what to do I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Lou.”

It all comes rushing back to Louis, why they’re even in the spare room to begin with, what he blurted out to Harry, how he’s feeling, betrayed, hurt, lonely and he begins to cry again and puts his head between his legs, he hates him right now, he doesn’t want to look at Harry, or talk to him, he wants his filthy cheating hands off his back his staring eyes off of him.

“Get out, I didn’t tell you to come in, GET OUT HARRY!”

“Louis please I am so sorry, I love you please listen to me.”

“I said GET OUT HARRY! I’m sure Nick’s waiting for you anyway, that’s where you were going to go tonight, when you said you would leave. You’d go him, so GO!” Louis goes to get off the bed but feels two strong arms pull him back, there’s no use fighting, he’s weak, drunk and could never wriggle out of Harry’s grasp, especially with this much alcohol in him.

“NO! You listen to me now Louis, you listen to every fucking word I have to say to you like I did when you spoke. You drink every syllable in, you’re not going anywhere until I’m done talking.” Harry has him pinned to the bed, and if it were a different time, another situation Louis would be really turned on right now. But instead he grunts and complies. Harry let’s go of him and with a deep breath in begins to speak.

 “Sorry I-I just can’t let you go, please hear me out. I lo-love you, only you, it’s only ever been you Louis William Tomlinson, you are my one and only, the reason I wake up every morning, the only thing that keeps me going each and every day. I’d never leave you baby never, I’d never cheat on you, please believe me Louis. I don’t know what I was thinking, and I won’t blame it on the alcohol, it was my fault I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you, fuck, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t notice you walk away, I thought you went to hang out with the other lads, shit please Louis please, I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t know what else to say, you gotta believe me. Hurting you is the worst possible thing I could do. I love you so fucking much, I’d die without you, I would, I can’t function when you’re away from me. I _need_ you, I need all of you, I need your hand in mine squeezing tightly when you know I’m nervous, I need you reassuring smile after my solos. I need the smell of your hair when I roll into you at 3 a. m. I need the taste of your skin, the sweat, the salt and hint of cologne. I need your lips on mine, only your lips, never anyone else’s, no one else could ever do that thing you do with your tongue that drives me crazy. That low demanding voice right before you rip my clothes off, it’s the only voice I want to hear. The sparkle in your eyes after we’ve both come down and you realize I’m yours. I need it Louis. I need you."

Harry takes in a big breath, choking back tears,

"I’m sorry I ignored you, I didn’t mean to, please believe me. Sometimes I forget and I act like a stupid 18-year-old single kid. I could never replace you with Nick, never. I know it hurts, fuck no I don’t and I don’t know how to make you forgive me, I didn’t cheat on you, never I promise. He did try to kiss me, I wouldn’t though please believe me. I only want you, I only imagine you, my beautiful perfect boyfriend. You are the only one I think about in me, on me anywhere near me. I am so lucky to have you Louis, out of any guy in the world you chose me! Me! Stupid little Harry Styles, the kid who can’t fucking dance, the kid two years younger than you, the one who’s heart skips a beat every time he laid eyes on that perfect boy, and you Louis, you picked me. How could you think you don’t deserve me? After tonight I don’t deserve you Lou, and if you don’t forgive me I understand. I fucked up I really did and I don’t know how to make it better, I don’t know how to make you love me again. But I know deep in my heart I still love you I will always love you. I know you’re who I want to come home to, and grow old with, fuck only after a few weeks I knew I had to have you, and keep you, make you mine forever. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before Louis. You’re my first everything and I want you to be my last. I don’t want anyone else, no one could ever compare to you. You spoil me, make me feel needed, fuck-don’t even get me started on the sex. No one does what you do Lou, I don’t know how you know exactly how to angle your fingers just right to make me see stars, or how to say the things that make me weak. I come undone when you’re in me, your hands grazing up my chest as you slide into me, it makes me shiver. I was so scared and nervous the first time ha but you babied me, made sure I was okay, remember we almost didn’t do it because I thought you’d get stuck in me? Hah god I’m so fucking stupid. I love you Louis I don’t know how else to say it, but I want to be yours forever and I want you to be mine. You’re all I ever think about, dream about, I can’t lose you, I could never have someone else. You are my happiness, and I don’t care if that’s fucked up, you are. Please forgive me Louis please, I’m all out of words, I don’t have anything left but to beg.” Harry finally stops talking and pulls the ring out that’s been in his pocket the whole time and takes Louis’s right hand in his.

“Louis like I said in France when we gave each other these, I love you, always and forever, I promise you I will love you till the end of time, until the sun explodes and even after that. You are my entire world Louis, and I have kept my promise since the first day. I know I’ve acted reckless and stupid and hurt your feelings and fucked everything up, but I hope that you can forgive me, and know how truly sorry I really am.”

He slides the ring back on Louis’s fourth finger and kisses his hand, placing back down where it was and for the first time in almost an hour looking into Louis’s eyes. Those bright blue huge orbs that he fell in love with two years ago, where already staring back and it made his breath hitch and his eyes water.

“Louis plea-“

“shh” Louis says as he puts a finger to Harry’s lips, leaning in, replacing his finger with his lips.

“Forever mine Haz? I’m sorry, I love you.” He whispers into Harry’s mouth.

Harry pulls Louis into his body holding on tight, scared that the boy he loves may disappear,

“Mine forever Lou.”

He attaches his lips to Louis’s in a long awaited reunion. All the words he couldn’t say come pouring out in the form of kisses, attacking Louis’s lips with his tongue, wanting access to the boy he loves. Louis opens his mouth without hesitation. No words are spoken for the next 15 minutes or so, no words need to be spoken between the two. They know well enough there is nothing else they could say. Louis finally pulls back first, the light and the sparkle back in his eyes, gleaming up at Harry.

“I’ll be right back love.” Harry looks confused and Louis plants a kiss to his temple in reassurance. A minute later he comes back in with something in his hand and picks up his iPad from the floor and settles back on the bed.

“Give me your hand Harry.” And he reaches for it and slides Harry’s ring down his finger, his eyes never leaving the younger boy’s.

“Now come here!” He pulls Harry in for a kiss and snaps a picture on his iPad.

“What are you going to do with that Lou?”

“I need a new picture for the nightstand…” he says in a guilty tone.

The next morning Louis wakes up to his phone buzzing out of control, 27 missed called from various people from Modest! 5 from Zayn 7 from Liam 9 from Niall and 12 from his mother. Oh and 58 new texts.

“What the fuck…?” He turns over to see Harry sitting at their desk sheepishly smiling.

“Morning love!”

“Harry…what is going on.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Boo get up I made breakfast.” Harry says as he strolls out the bedroom door.

Louis gets up walking past his computer and does a double take.

“That little bastard!” Louis chuckles as he sees that Harry conveniently left Twitter open and has posted the picture from last night on both their accounts and the band’s main account.

The captions reading: _“It’s official! He’s all mine xxx”_ and on the band’s account _“Does this prove Larry? What do you think? ; ] xx”_

Louis runs down the steps two at a time and tackles Harry from behind.

“We’re going to be killed for that Haz!”

“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about!” Harry smirks and turns to face Louis planting a sloppy kiss on his lips.

“I just needed everyone to know I’m the luckiest guy in the whole world, love you Lou”

“You kill me Haz, love you more, Let’s eat I’m starving.”

The two eat their breakfast in a rush and decided it’s probably a good time to make a few phone calls to explain themselves. Harry picks up his phone and starts dialing,

“Together?”

 “Together.”


End file.
